Question: I quitted sadhana two years ago. In order to get more in Self and speed up a process of awakening and get rid of unrest, and more smoothly embrace that energy -
It seems that things are happening without my effort. It seems that my wish to wake up makes an intense magnetic pull and that something beyond me is pulling the strings, it is not because of my will. Maybe sadhana will help but then maybe work on kundalini will make chaos in my energy field. I have had such experiences before and I stoped sadhana in order to not go creazy or something.
Jan: Apparently your kundalini has awakened. If not, you would not have experiences of kundalini entering your brain and the bliss that follows from that. Yes, I suggest you take up some practice again. You can try the meditations described on my website (The basic techniques, not the pranayama). They integrate Shakti nicely.
The emptiness you speak of is scary at first. But you will have to get used to it and with time the bliss and the emptyness will merge and Tanja will dissolve into IT. Where you are right now, there is bound to be irritability and fear of insanity coming up. But trust Shakti and surrender to Shakti and put up with the tribulations on the path and you will move rapidly towards the Self. Bliss does not become stable, it goes up and down. But the nothingness will never go away. Real bliss is a recognition of Self in everything around you. The border of this recognition is a scary emptyness and fear of death. Confront that and surrender. You still have identification with I-
Q: Thank you for encouraging me to do my sadhana again. It is producing more bliss and more emptyness, and more "electricity" in body, and of course more chaos... I hardly control normal behaviour and my socialisation with people is poor because I can not hold on anything; everything seems so unreal, so dream-
I have read almost everything on your site and this reading gives me courage to go on dispite fear of losing indetification-
Jan: Shakti has grabbed you and it is up to you to make it a happy experience rather than a traumatic one. There is NO way back. You can either suppress the inner transformation or you can surf on it. You don't have to enhance the shakti transforming you, but you have to learn to surf it.
Working on the heart chakra is always nice. On my meditation page you will find
1) The basic meditation, which has three parts (two actual methods).
2) At the bottom of the page, you have "Chakra breathing".
I suggest you do the basic meditation and add chakra breathing in the heart as an extra variation. In fact, if you just do chakra breathing in the root chakra, the heart chakra and the crown chakra alternately, you will get some deep and powerfull meditations.
Q: What did you do with fear when you passed through dark night of the soul?
J: I suffered, cried, prayed and meditated. I isolated myself from other people and meditated many hours every day. This phase can take many years, or it can be fast. I think there is no rule. Juan de la Cruz said in his book Dark Night of the Soul that the depth and length of the night is in proportion to the depth of purification going on and the hight, or depth, of the state you are being prepared for. I think this is quite true.
Q: I have heard bliss wil go away. That bliss is just an emotion and that you will transcend all such eventually.
J: Many meditators don't understand bliss. They think pure being is a still nothingness, but in truth it is vibrant with bliss and love. It is not love of objects or things as in the old days, but it is a state and it is inseperable from pure being.
Six months later...
Question: ...so .... after you suggested to me to practice that simple meditation of yours to ease suffering of dark night it becomes easier to my mind to dwell in emptiness. But still I was in a inner battle. And than one night in August everything falled apart. I disapeared completly. In periphery of my being there was chaos. World which I know was changed. It became chaotic, it was not hold together anymore because there was no Tanja to connect "my storry" as she knew it .
Everything which was observed was unknown, as seen for the first time, not real and dreamlike. When she disapeared mind was in fear of unknown, and that fear was not belong to Tanja at all. It was some kind of instinct which was observed from the distance. When Tanja disapeared at that moment only what was left was awarness which was empty, without qualities, without emotions, still and deatached. When Tanja reapeared it was such a relife for her .... like burden is taken from my sholders and nor me, neither the world is same anymore.
So ... what do you think what was that ....I would like to hear you opinion. It seems like in that moment disapeared mechanism of ego ... There is no suffering anymore. And there is bliss which is apearing in my being so easily with just a small change in perspecitve ...
Jan: I am sorry to hear you are having such an inner battle. On the other hand happy to hear you have one foot in radical Freedom and the Self. Yes, the fear does not belong to the Self, it is the mind reacting to no longer being in control of everything. Mind is like a spoiled child. When you reach void, the empty awareness, mind will either be quiet or it will react with fear. This fear hits us all. There is a book I would recommend you: Collisions with the Infinite, by Suzan Segal. She lost her self and war very bothered by anxiety. I also know that anxiety well. I also know when self reappears it is a relief, yet you are no longer identified anymore. What you have experienced/are experiencing, is Self-
Q: But what is this disappearing? And what is this coming back again?
J: What disappears is false identification. In the instant when it disappears, awareness will be in the Self and there will come a temporary unconsciousness of personality, of small self. However, after a while awareness of small Self will seem to return. What returns is awareness of it. small self never went awway, because it was never there in the first place! Where should it go when it is nothing but a consctruct of imagination without any ontological basis?
Q: "Without ontological basis"?
J: Yes, that is shorthand for saying the small self has no reality in and of itself; that the small self really does not exist except as a construct in awareness. The small self is a network of relations between units made up of experiences, thoughts, reactions, memories, etc. These units relate to each other, and this infinitely complex network of relationships is what one identirfies with. When identification suddenly goes away, one will have the experience that the small self has vanished, but after a while one will discover that the mechanism of units relating to each other goes on. This will seem as if the small self has reappeared, but infact it is just the same old mind doing its usual stuff, which is making sense out of life. What is gone, however, is identification with it.
Q: So what is this identification mechanism really? Does it have any onotological basis?
J: No, the identification mechanism is also an illusion without any reality of its own. The identification mechanism is in itself also just a relationship, but it is the most subtle of relations, which is between pure awareness and all other relationships. When pure awareness relates to a network of relationships between thoughts, feelings, impressions and reactions, then the sense that "I am these relations" may arise. Then basic I AM-
Q: So what happens in Self-
J: The identification mechanism breaks down, so to speak, and you no longer identify with the complex of mental and emotional relationships in the mind. Awareness realizes itself in its ultimate purity without any intermediary sense of a relationships or a perception. This is Self-